We have no decent players who aren't injured or too old, the club is farting about announcing meaningless friendlies against vastly superior sides, the coach blows, the team will likely move to Baltimore (motto: we got crabs, hon), and at tonight's match RFK will likely host more insects than spectators. Nevertheless, DC United continues to find new ways to tear apart my heartstrings.
Make no mistake: the return of Luciano Emilio -- who may suit up in anger as early as Saturday! -- should surprise no-one. The peripatetic striker could not attract an acceptable offer from any other team, and so DC United (motto: your rejects get plastered on banners outside our stadium), which is down to a roster of 12 healthy position players, in total, and is incapable of scoring, had to do it. No doubt the self-aggrandizing duo of Payne and Kasper are high on this move, and, hey, Emilio was league MVP once, right?
Here's the thing, though. Emilio is largely useless on his own: he's too slow, he has the first touch of a rapist, and (despite the fact that everyone lauded his improved "workrate" last year) he does an awful lot of standing around.
He is dangerous only in a faintly amusing way, like a shark wearing a silly hat.
Emilio's single skill, the ability to quickly find separation and shoot, requires two things to flourish: (i) other attackers moving off the ball to create space in the offensive third, and (ii) service. And where in Onalfo's pinheaded tactical schemes and the team's vast Sahara of talent is he going to find such things?
Pay attention here: the answer isn't Jaime Moreno. It is Santino Quaranta, when he's healthy, and Boyzzz Khumalo when he's not.
I fear that, out of necessity, the shear need to have numbers of reasonably fit bodies thrown into the breech and kept behind the ball to play defense (Dave Kasper: email me) will result in Emilio playing isolated up top, in which case his re-acquisition will come to naught.
Time will tell.