Kick This!

United 4 - Dallas 2 March 28, 2010

Fun

It was an entertaining match, and not just because United won. Christman and Najar formed an energetic and effective partnership, and the rest of the team played with some urgency at last.

During the national anthem I counted the fans on the loud side and all of the fans standing in the mezzanine boxes (I did not dare count the folks on the quiet side lest my patriotism become obviously suspect). The results, give or take mistakenly counting a cameraman or an usher or two, were these: loud side: 195; mezzanine: 92. Assuming optimistically that almost 400 were sitting on the quiet side and acknowledging that more folks filtered in once the match started, you're looking at a total attendance of around 800. Oy.

But what of the match itself?

Christman, who seemed to be positioned as the lone striker, played with lots of energy and movement, and not just when he had the ball. What a pleasure it was to see one of our forwards running at defenders and making runs to open up space. Speedy Najar, who transitions from defense to attack with lightning quickness, added much-needed spark to the offense. This pairing was rewarded on the first goal, where Christman split two defenders and, fed by Najar, lifted a cheeky ball over the keeper. Well done.

The jury may still be out on Najar as the total package, since he still has brain farts and, given his size, gets knocked off the ball fairly easily, but here is a player to watch. In the center of the midfield he may be a defensive liability without better better defensive support behind him, so we'll have to see how it goes. As for Christman, who would like to see how he pairs with Emilio up top?

Dallas played well overall, racing through the midfield with lots of nifty wall passes which led to a shot on goal in the 9th minute. DC's defense was under pressure a fair amount, with not enough closing down taking place in the midfield. In the 25th minute, Dallas ran through the midfield again, Castillo and Wallace were both beaten, the net was wide open, and Dallas's shot missed just to the side.

United's second goal came on a sensational driven free kick by Castillo from about 30 yards out, which the Dallas keeper completely muffed--he seemed to have the ball and then lost it, letting it squirt out of his grasp and into the side of the net. Dallas fought back in the second half, putting United's defensive weaknesses on full display, but United ended up getting the job done.

What to make of this? One wonders how the game would have played out had Dallas's attempt in the 25th gone in and its keeper had not fumbled the ball on the second goal.

More to the point, United's defense was often shaky (sadly, Rodney Wallace is not improving). But, more significant in my mind was this continuing hallmark of the Onalfo era: no effective defense from the midfield, which Dallas ran through like a hot knife through butter. In this regard and for other reasons, Christian Castillo remains an answer to a question nobody asked.

Given how many starters were out, it's hard to draw many conclusions about this match yet. Time will tell whether it was the sign of a new beginning or just was. Let's just enjoy the feeling of a win for now.

Talon Rating:  Three Birds

UPDATED:

Fullback hits the highs and lows, and ponders unanswerable questions.

BDR appears cautiously upbeat, sort of.

Shatz ponders the implications of the Christman-Najar partnership.

He's Back

We have no decent players who aren't injured or too old, the club is farting about announcing meaningless friendlies against vastly superior sides, the coach blows, the team will likely move to Baltimore (motto: we got crabs, hon), and at tonight's match RFK will likely host more insects than spectators. Nevertheless, DC United continues to find new ways to tear apart my heartstrings.

Make no mistake: the return of Luciano Emilio -- who may suit up in anger as early as Saturday! -- should surprise no-one. The peripatetic striker could not attract an acceptable offer from any other team, and so DC United (motto: your rejects get plastered on banners outside our stadium), which is down to a roster of 12 healthy position players, in total, and is incapable of scoring, had to do it. No doubt the self-aggrandizing duo of Payne and Kasper are high on this move, and, hey, Emilio was league MVP once, right?

Here's the thing, though. Emilio is largely useless on his own: he's too slow, he has the first touch of a rapist, and (despite the fact that everyone lauded his improved "workrate" last year) he does an awful lot of standing around.

He is dangerous only in a faintly amusing way, like a shark wearing a silly hat.

Emilio's single skill, the ability to quickly find separation and shoot, requires two things to flourish: (i) other attackers moving off the ball to create space in the offensive third, and (ii) service. And where in Onalfo's pinheaded tactical schemes and the team's vast Sahara of talent is he going to find such things?

Pay attention here: the answer isn't Jaime Moreno. It is Santino Quaranta, when he's healthy, and Boyzzz Khumalo when he's not.

I fear that, out of necessity, the shear need to have numbers of reasonably fit bodies thrown into the breech and kept behind the ball to play defense (Dave Kasper: email me) will result in Emilio playing isolated up top, in which case his re-acquisition will come to naught.

Time will tell.

Hold me.

United 0 - Chicago 2 April 17, 2010

We Are Doomed

Coming into this season, it should have been obvious to everyone not named Mr. Magoo the lineup was weak and the coach was a mediocrity. Still, strange things can happen over the course of a long MLS campaign, and, even after the last couple of games, especially given the hopefully temporary list of injured players, I was willing to give United 2010 a chance.

There was one play about two thirds of the way through the first half that caused the penny to drop in my mind. Chicago had a breakaway and knifed through the midfield with authority. One of our defenders came out to challenge, nearly got turned, but managed to get a toe on the ball and poke it away to safety. The rest of our team--the forwards, the midfielders, and the other defenders--were all standing around, spectating like the rest of us, waiting to see how the play would work out. No one, not one other United player, was moving. None of the other defenders was moving backward or laterally to provide support. Had the Chicago player gotten through, and it was a near thing, he would have been one-on-one with Perkins.

And so the penny dropped. From the talent on the field to the second-choice coach, to the suits in the owners' box, this is a team of epic badness. 

After about 30 minutes into the match the end seemed to be inevitable. The only question left to be answered was the precise form United's downfall would take. With Chicago creating scoring chances and United looking hapless, it only seemed a matter of time before our dismal defense let in a goal.

Ominous foreshadowings of the bitter end came early on, with a relentless wind blowing through the seating bowl and miscellaneous questionable events taking place on the field. Perkins misplayed a chipped ball and nearly let in a howler. Then, a short while later, fresh face Najar was defending deep in his end and sent a beautiful cross right across the mouth of United's net.

How realistically can you evaluate individual performances with such a misfiring piss-poor excuse of a team? Perhaps this is why Goff isn't doing player ratings this year.

Sure, Santino Quaranta, and even Morsink (!), had some good moments, and maybe the defense was slightly better in the aggregate than it has shown thus far. Andy Najar has energy and speed, as befits a 17 year old. He also doesn't know what he is doing a lot of the time, as one would expect from someone still in high school. He represents a small hope for the future, if his development isn't permanently destroyed by playing on this abomination of a side (see, e.g., Wallace, Rodney).

But still. RFK has been the site of many gripping, emotionally charged matches against the Fire. Not this time. This year's Chicago team is misfiring and rebuilding, and United is just plain exerable. Even if you replaced the coach with someone excellent, would it really make a difference given the tools he would have to work with? Onalfo is a poor man's Tom Soehn, but even Jose Mourino would be stumped (no, actually, he would probably burn the entire stadium down in a rage).

Jaime Moreno has become the place where promising attacks go to die. He just dribbles, dribbles, head down until he loses the ball or goes to ground. And yet, he may still be the best player on the team! Is that why he is still being asked to play 90 minutes?

And Perkins? Perhaps he spends his game minutes daydreaming about the fjords of Norway (or whatever it is they have there--Herring? Volcanic ash?). Not since Bambi Wells have the denizens of RFK witnessed such a comprehensively lobotomized goalkeeping performance. There was the juggling act at the start of the match, the near fiasco at the end of the first half where he came out of his box and botched a clearance with his feet, and then the godawful hapless flailing at the second goal.

Shocking though the thought may be, this team would have been better off if it had not traded Fred for Perkins. It's that bad.

There are no easy solutions here. Getting Clyde Simms back would help. It would also help if another defender would magically appear so that Rodney Wallace could be put into the midfield where his defensive shortcomings will hurt the team less and his offensive abilities can make more of a positive difference.

There is no hope, just pain.

Talon Rating:  No Birds

UPDATED

Shatz is still managing to sound slightly optimistic! ("the defense did play well for 79 minutes")

Goff sheds his journalistic objectivity! ("let's face it, this is a bad team.")

BDR is full of sadness instead of rage! ("put Fred on the field, he'd be United's best player")

Fullback is appropriately bleak! ("We don't seem to have any direction")

Poopie Time

No offense, poor defense, Pontius hobbles off, etc. Najar a bright spot of sorts, buzzing around energetically to no avail. The loud side looked and sounded great--this team doesn't deserve you.

It was really bad. Hard to find words that measure up to the lowliness of the experience, will try later . . .

Union 3 - United 2 April 10, 2010

Le Toux Much

I've been hesitant to push the apocalypse button on this season yet, but let's get real. With the exception of no more than a total of 15 game minutes during the match, DC United was like a teenager who picks up strangers on Craigslist.

It sucked.

Some random thoughts on the team: lines were not playing with each other, minimal tactical understanding and rhythm, still not fighting for second balls, weak individual performances, resorting to lots of bad fouls because it kept falling behind.

And the players?

• Castillo - complete garbage;
• Allsopp - mostly a waste of skin;
• Pena - his one good game for United is behind him;
• Quaranta - looks much better feeding in balls from the side (keep your dirty remarks to yourselves);
• Wallace - needs to be in the midfield; and
• Moreno - crafty like Dumbledore, who ended up dead.

And what of the effectively coached Philadelphia Snakes? Who knew Fred could be so effective when playing in his favored position? We certainly didn't. And that Jacobson kid sure looks like he can play. I wish we had someone like him on our team.

Bah.

Talon Rating:  Two birds (they deserved less, but Jaime Moreno's insane goal ups the birdage)

The Coolest Thing You'll Hear Today

Radiohead Play New Order

United 0 - New England 2 April 3, 2010

Bird Brained

It's difficult to crystallize too many thoughts about this match. DC United played much better than on opening day, and, indeed better than on any number of occasions last year. During the first 20 minutes, in particular, United played with speed and industry. They actually looked like they were working together like a team for the first time in a long time.

However, it is all too easy to be deluded by this performance in the initial stages of the match, because it was clear that New England was sitting back and letting United come at them. Once New England came out to play, the bitter ending seemed almost preordained.

United's offense continues to be punchless. I'm sorry, but Jaime Moreno is no longer a 90 minute player and, indeed, may be overdue for his appointment at the glue factory. Both Wallace and Barklage made repeated runs into space that were not rewarded. It was almost as if, just like last year, the team was not playing on the same page.

Moreover, the experiment with Quaranta as a central attacking midfielder is not working either. If it were up to me, I would go with a flat midfield and pair Santino with Pontius up front or send him to the wing where he gave some effective performances last year.

Perhaps my favorite new player is Pena, who, although quite probably old and busted, obviously has a good soccer brain to go with his sublime soccer skills. It was a cheering sight to see him directing both the midfield and defense for large portions of the match. Castillo, on the other hand, registers a resounding meh. Ivan Guerrero seemed more effective, but putting yesterdays aside, I still wish Wallace was patrolling the left side of the midfield, where his offensive instincts are more likely to be rewarded and defensive weaknesses more likely to be concealed.

The real test will come this weekend, when United faces the expansion team in Delaware, and then we will have a chance to take the measure of how good or bad this year's edition of DC United really is. After that, I'll give United one more game before proclaiming complete doom.

If you want the total angst sandwich, go read Shatz, Fullback, BDR, Minions.

Cheer up guys. At least the RFK fan experience remains world class.

Talon Rating:  Two Birds

KC 4 - United 0 March 27, 2010

El desastre estúpido grande

There will be a tendency in certain corners of the internets to declare last night's travesty to be absolute proof that the team is doomed, nothing good could possibly come from this season, and that, like a leaking submarine plunging to the depths of the ocean floor, the future of DCU is spelled "FISHFOOD."

Such hyperbolic ravings would be premature and wrongheaded. It was only one game, the conditions were bad, the defense was cobbled-together, and they were playing in the outfield of a minor league baseball stadium. Give them some slack.

With that out of the way, however, you cannot deny what passed before our eyes. One team looked like a fit and well-drilled professional sports organization that was hungry to start a new season. The other team was DC United.

Here We Go Impossible Again

The 2010 campaign kicks off and I am underwhelmed. Look elsewhere to find tense expectancy or predictions of great days and nights to come.

Why?

Because I fear that this season represents a holding pattern, in which the team's brain trust treads water to put out a barely adequate product while figuring out where to move the team. As fans, we talk about and obsess over players and performances on the field. As businesspeople, the guys in suits obsess about the bottom line. And I don't want to feel like a sucker this year.

They chose mediocrity with the pick of Onalfo, committed a major purge of high salary players, and, aside from bringing back the hero Perkins, have added some players that do not exactly make pulses race and eyelashes flutter.

In the lead up to the new season, ideally there should be enough potential on your team to trigger grossly overinflated and grandiose hopes that get knocked down a bit after real games are played and you realize that the players are only human after all. Not this year. On paper, and especially with an easier schedule due to lack of success last year, United should be good enough to make the playoffs, which, in the MLS, is exactly as difficult as buying stamps.

Let's get on with it, then.

Snowtastrophe

snOMG!