Kick This!

Head Explode

Way too much going on for my wrung-out brain to process and adequately comment on right now.

Haiti:  a tragedy. Jozy Altidore, whose family hails from there, pleads for help.

Conan (the one with the brass balls) v. Leno (with the big chin and small brains) -- I vote for Triumph The Insult Comic Dog.

Fred gone and Perkins back  -- two thumbs up! A solid keeper can singlehandedly change a game and raise the team's overall level of play. Look at how the opposite happened with Zack "Bambi" Wells between the pipes. Fred, on the other hand, although he charmed us with his smile, couldn't play defense without fouling, help the team keep possession, or shoot. So this deal is a two-thumber . . . or will be, once we see how the other pieces fall into place (the lineup has holes, but there's some cap space to play with now).

New unis -- er, whatever

So much excitement over red piping and a weird collar. I mean, who cares except the people in suits trying to fleece more money from the fans?

The Curtain Rises

At the press conference unveiling Curt Onalfo this morning some information of substance came out. (In a nutshell: Castillo is good; Onalfo shares team's values on latin players; plan is in place for the draft; Onalfo is going on a scouting trip abroad; Wicks back mid-March, Kocic to return, but starting keeper situation TBD; assistants to be announced tonight; Fred coming back to turn the ball over repeatedly?!)

What I would like to highlight here are three things.

It Takes More?

In the middle of the Zorn-a-palooza of today's Post sports section was a quarter-page ad from DC United declaring that "It Takes MORE To Be The Head Coach Of D.C. United," along with a picture of Mike Shanahan. Er, I mean, Curt Onalfo.

"It Takes MORE," which also appears next to the United crest at the bottom of the ad and on the banner of United's website, is the team's tagline for the season. (United has helpfully named the filename of the image "tagline.png.") 

Putting aside the fact that the tagline smacks of the same sort of meaningless hubris that characterized official and unofficial team pronouncements in 2009 (e.g., "We Win Trophies"), it got me wondering what It Takes MORE of, exactly?

United Resolutions

Today I feel even older than usual. The radio this morning had a story about famous summer pop music "anthems" over the past few years. Not only had I never heard a single one of the songs, but they all sounded the same--hip hop beat, no identifiable melody, moaning. I thought to myself, "what are these young people listening to," followed immediately by, "kill me now."

And today being the brink of 2010, I thought I'd share my DC United-related New Years' resolutions.

In 2010, Curmudgeon will aspire to:

• Avoid being taken in by Curt Onalfo's boyish good looks;

• Be more supportive of young players who have no hope of any long-term success playing professional soccer because they suck;

• Continue to flagrantly ignore the directions of RFK parking lot attendants, because I can;

• Stop visiting the VW Garage under the false and delusional hope that maybe it actually will be worth seeing this time; and

• Not be envious of the new Red Bulls stadium.

Unless you root for San Jose, 2010 can only be better than 2009.

Have a Happy Ball Drop!

UPDATED:

My, what a grotesque and sorry spectacle that was. Next year, they should do poor Dick Clark a favor by putting him out of his misery and replacing him with this:

Meet The New Coach

Same As The Old Coach?

Today brings confirmation that Curt Onalfo will be DC United's new head coach. Back in August when Kansas City fired him, I wrote:

Curt never struck me as that bad, and his team's issues seem more to do with the players available this year, but what do I know?

The Wizards did not exactly shine after Curt was shown the door. However, it seems instructive that when Curt started at KC he announced that the team would play exciting, attractive soccer . . . and look where it got them. And what per chance did Onalfo tell Goff in his first interview after the announcement that he is coming to DC was made?

Onalfo's aim is to play "beautiful, attacking, quick soccer," he said.

Oh, great. Moreover, Onalfo was not, by all accounts, United's first choice, that "honor" befalling someone who would rather manage a team called the "Zips." So can the second-choice United alum turn this franchise around?

Spurned

I'll Have A Blue Christmas Without You

With the news that United's apparent first-choice coach, Caleb Porter, shall be remaining in Akron (city motto: we put the rubber in rubbers), the status of DC's already shockingly untimely process of selecting a new head coach has gone from embarrassment, to crisis, to farce. Goff reports that "United was hoping to finalize a deal with Porter this week." According to Ives' "multiple sources," "United offered Porter the job on Monday."

Oops.

Cats Against Climate Change

Thanksgiving

At last, Thanksgiving is upon us. This is the best of the major holidays because, unless you have to travel, your only real obligation is to stuff your face. A key to maximizing enjoyment is to tune out of all the Christmas shopping hoopla and propaganda.

The day after Thanksgiving is best spent not at a shopping mall, but doing whatever the hell you please. In my case, with advancing age, increasingly this means lying around listlessly and thinking about breasts.

The only thing missing would be if the EPL or Champion's League would schedule a couple of games, but you can't have everything.

To anyone strange enough to be reading this, have a happy Thanksgiving.

Ben Olsen To Hang It Up

Goff reports here that Ben Olsen has decided to retire. An official announcement will not come until after MLS cup.

As if to answer the other question uppermost on our minds, Goff states that Benny "is not a candidate for United's head coaching job . . .  but seems likely to remain with the organization in some capacity, perhaps as an assistant coach."

Big news indeed, and not just for sentimental reasons. There were many games last year when Ben was the true quarterback on the field. Without his vision and superior soccer mind, the team would have been lost. Take, for example, the first half against Real Madrid. Ben looked almost unhinged as he directed traffic, pulling strings to make United's defense and offense work effectively. It is absolutely true that his physical shape--declining speed, sharpness, endurance--had become a liability. However, Ben contributed so much to this team that he will be impossible to entirely replace.

Therefore, I truly hope that he is invited to stay on in some capacity if that is what he wants to do. I had actually hoped he would be well enough to play for one more season and be involved in the transition of the team to rising younger players. I'd take Benny back more than (don't send me hate mail) Jaime Moreno, because Olsen still seemed able to contribute more.

As for the rest of it . . . aw it hurts of course. Hurts to see him go, hurts to see the passing of an era, hurts to be reminded yet again of the march of time.

One thing is certain: just as much as we will miss cheering for him on the field, we will miss having him around as the heart and soul of the team. Damn.

 

UPDATED:

Here's BDR with thoughts and some choice Benny quotes. Richie Williams for head coach and Olsen for assistant? Could be.

Mon Dieu!

Poor Ireland.

The soccer bridesmaid played great against the French, only to have its World Cup hopes annihilated on a handball so flagrant that even Thierry Henry himself had this to say after the match:

I am not the ref . . . . The ball hit my hand and, I will be honest, the ball hit my hand. It was a handball.

Through these comments Henry's reputation as a fairly good guy probably survives (even though he deliberately handled the ball twice!).

A major embarrassment for the referee and FIFA of course (as if FIFA actually gives a damn). What a shame that the Irish team  will stay home next summer and the old and busted French team with their old and busted manager will go to South Africa.

(Cartoon credit:  source.) 

As for the US team's woeful performance against Denmark (country motto:  "Denmark: We're Not Sweden"), please direct your browsers to Fullback's dire yet accurate match reaction here, complete with Hamlet-quoting goodness.